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[October 12th, 2006] |
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My teacher called to ask me to meet her tmr.
I heard from a friend that they're calling up all the people who won't be able to promote.
WTF. I AM NOT GOING TO BE ABLE TO PROMOTE.
I'M FUCKED UP, I'M SAD, DISAPPOINTED,
AND IS CLOSE TO BREAKING DOWN TO TEARS AND NOT(NEVER!) WAKING UP.
I CAN'T DISAPPOINT MY PARENTS.
not again.
I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO.
I want to cry but I'm still going to be just as useless after that.
SO WHATS THE POINT?
Sometimes I blame God for not killing me before I was born into this world.
WHY BRING ME UP WHEN I'M GOING TO LET YOU DOWN?
I'm a useless mess, I swear.
I would have aborted me if I were my mom.
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[October 9th, 2006] |
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Today I just wanted to curl up and die.
I dont want to wake up tmr.
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| so why do we care. |
[September 24th, 2006] |
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It's funny. Life's so funny, but it's at this stage where I can't decide whether I should laugh cause it's easier, or cry because it's reasonable. What kind of logic is this? What kind of logical reasoning is this? I don't get this and I don't know if I ever will. I want to jet off to Greece..and just sit by one of the stone walls there and do sketches of the beautiful things around me. I want to go to France, and look at all the gorgeous people, and take pictures of all things beautiful there. Here, where I am, we don't crave for beauty, we crave for perfection,and beauty is merely a subset of perfection. That is why I crave perfection, i want perfect grades, perfect love, perfect friends, perfect family..perfect everything, and I know for a fact, perfection do not exist, cause I've never experienced perfection. So what is driving me to want it so bad when I don't know if it even exists? Why do I try, if I will most probably just fail? It's today. I just have been thinking alot lately, and I realise this life I'm living is so flawed I don't know if this is really me anymore. I'm scared of love, of allowing people to know me. I'm terrified of failing, so much that I drive myself insane trying to be skinny, and having murderous thoughts about school and grades.
I just watched Le Divorce. Yes, I pushed my books aside for a good two hours. I enjoyed the show. France is beautiful. At least, in the movies. I want to go there one day.
I just want to not think so much about things anymore. I want to be simple, and to lead a simple life. But I know that kind of lifestyle I truly want is impossible to achieve, and so I must settle for the next best alternative.
That aside, it's past midnight, and I have work to do.
12.30-2.00 : Physics
2.00-3.30 : Economics
3.30-4.30 : Maths
4.30 : Have small "breakfast"
5.00: Sleep.
9.00: Wake up.
I haven't decided what to do from 9 onwards. It's better I realise to make short term lists. They make you feel more accomplished.
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[September 22nd, 2006] |
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I'm a wreck.
I've been eating too much for my own good.
Everyday I'm eating more and more.
And exercising less and less.
When is this going to end?
I don't want to care anymore.
I just want to be happy with who I am, and how I look.
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| PROMOTION ! |
[September 10th, 2006] |
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Hey lovelies :)
Sorry if this is not allowed but I'm here to promote ![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/community.gif) we_will_starve cause it's awesome and it's reaaaally active so yes!
GO AND JOIN
<3333
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[August 17th, 2006] |
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Oh yes, I forgot to add.
I'm officially diagnosed with depression.
I thought I was OVER it.
fuck now everything's ruined.
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[July 27th, 2006] |
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I want to be happy so badly.
My throat's being a bitch.
Today's session with the counsellor SUCKED.
She doesn't help at all.
I'm back to fasting tmr i guess.
Soccer today was good.
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| fucked up. |
[July 13th, 2006] |
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I dont know what just happened to me.
I closed the door, locked it
and started to cry like a baby.
Sometimes I can be such a loser.
I need help.
I think I've got..depression?
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| #%@$%^!! |
[June 27th, 2006] |
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I AM SO SCREWED.
my physics paper is in less than 12 hours and i know nothing about it.
i took a look at the past papers and didnt know a single shit.
therefore, i'm officially dead for this subject.
to make matters worse, my dad came in to praise me for being hardworking.
i was pretending i was studying. (when i wasn't. really.)
and lit tmr.
i shall just totally crap my way out
and hope i pass?
i used to be an a student.
now i'm probably going to get all Fs.
damn.
( my inspiration. )
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